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Should You Say “I’m Sorry” When You Apologize?
At some point, you’ve almost certainly had an occasion to apologize to someone. We all do things that we later regret, particularly when we see that our actions, even when unintentional, hurt someone about whom we care. You’re first reaction in these situations, is typically to say “I’m sorry.”
The problem with this is that it isn’t our only reaction. Actually, the way most of us apologize is to say “I’m sorry, but…” We feel the need to explain ourselves; to give our side of the story. The problem with this is that the simple act of adding a qualifier acts as a nullifier. That is, the word “but” and all of its synonyms make the apology essentially irrelevant.
This makes the apology about you, and about your feelings. It actually makes it appear, rightly or not, that you are not in fact sorry. So, does this mean you should avoid using the phrase “I’m sorry?”
Actually, the answer is usually yes. The only exception is in any case where you can say it sincerely and without any qualification. If you can simply say “I’m sorry,” without adding anything else to it, and really mean it, then go ahead. But be extremely cautious, because this is not as easy as you might think.
Also, be very careful about using it too often or too quickly. Usually, when you are found with your hand in the proverbial cookie jar, saying “I’m sorry” will sound more like you’re sorry you got caught rather than sorry for the act, no matter how sincere you feel about it. And, if you find you are apologizing for doing the same thing over and over, no matter how sincere you think you are in your apology, it will sound hollow.
There are, fortunately, other ways you can handle this. First of all, before you say anything, stop and think about what you’ve done. If you aren’t sure what to apologize for, you aren’t being sincere. Considering what you’ve done, the next thing you should do is think about the impact of your actions on the person you to whom you are going to apologize.
How did your actions make that person feel? While there are a large number of shades of human emotion, there are a few basic ones that cover many reasons you might apologize. Did your actions make her feel sad, hurt, insecure, or afraid? Dig deeper into the emotion. Does she feel abandoned? Betrayed?
Start your apology by acknowledging these emotions. Even if you’re a bit off, you’re likely to be close enough to start the conversation going in the right direction. But be careful not to simply say something like “I know how you feel.” This is a cop-out, not an acknowledgment, and will probably not be received well.
Once you get the ball rolling, be sure you don’t backtrack. Don’t add qualifiers or try to explain your actions. There will come a time when you can explain how you feel, and maybe what you were thinking, but you’ll have to wait patiently for that time to come. Be completely sincere, and whatever you do, never point fingers or place blame.
The next time you find yourself in a position where you are apologizing for something, give this a try. You’ll be amazed at the difference in the response you’ll get.
About the Author
If you’re really looking to get your relationship back on track, an apology may not be enough. Whether you’re trying to avoid a break-up or trying to patch things back up, check out the wealth of great information available at http://www.back-together-today.com.
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