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Nurturing and Caring for your Inner Child: How to Heal Emotionally and Master the Art of Self-love
To begin this process, remember how you looked at the age of three or four years and try to get a clear mental image of yourself at that age. A photograph may be helpful, if you have one.
Your inner child lives in your heart, the emotional center of your body. It is helpful however, to picture your child self outside your body in order to communicate more effectively with him/her. There are several phases to the inner child relationship. The first is the healing of your wounded child of the past. The second stage, which lasts the rest of your life, is nurturing your inner child of the present. This article will address both of these skill levels.
This child is not all that you are. You are an adult who has survived a lifetime of risks and hardships, growing and learning along the way. You have a brilliant mind, which you have used only partially because of the limitations of your parenting and the world you live in. There is much more to you than you know. If you are fortunate enough to have already recognized your greatness, you probably know that you are still not through. The closer you come to knowing who you really are, the more you realize how much you have to learn.
DIALOGUES WITH THE INNER CHILD
As an adult and inner parent, try making the following statements to your inner child and see what happens:
“I’ve been the kind of parent to you that my parents were to me. I didn’t know any better. Like them, I have abandoned and neglected you at times without meaning to. I’ve treated you as if you weren’t even there because I really didn’t know you were there. I thought that when I grew up, you just went away.
“I realize now that I may have hurt you at times. You are all of my feelings, and I have always thought some of those feelings were bad. So I tried to control you with substances (food, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, medication, work, sex, love relationships), thinking I could make the feelings that I didn’t like go away. It didn’t work. The feelings just got worse. I am ready to change now and take care of you. I accept you as you are, no matter what you are feeling. Your feelings are my feelings, because you are who I am inside.”
Now become the inner child. Sit on the floor, curl up on the couch or assume any childlike posture that seems to fit what you are feeling. As the inner child, you are only feelings. You don’t think or analyze, you just feel. Try responding to your inner parent with:
“I’m glad you are finally recognizing me. I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. I like what you are saying. It makes me feel better. I’m not completely ready to trust you yet. I need to see some action. I need to be able to count on you throughout each day. I am completely dependent on you. If you don’t love and care for me, no one will. You are all I have.
“When I am hurting or afraid, just hold me and tell me you love me. That’s all I ask. Don’t try to talk me out of my feelings, that’s just who I am. Just love me and tell me that you’ll protect me no matter what and that will help me feel better. I need to be told that you love me often, not just when things go wrong. When I am happy, I need you to smile and laugh and do fun things. I come out through your smile and laughter and playfulness. I also come out when you are loving and creative. I have a lot to offer you, if you will create a safe and healthy life for me. There is more joy and love in me than you have ever known, waiting to come out. Love and joy is who I am, and I am who you are. I’m counting on you. Please remember me.”
You might respond with something like: “You can count on me. I won’t forget you. I will make mistakes, but I will learn to avoid repeating them. I accept you just as you are, no matter what you are feeling. Your feelings are my feelings. I love you unconditionally. You are who I am inside. In loving you, I love myself.”
If you have difficulty with this exercise, write about your experience. This may help you figure out what you need to work on to get closer to the experience of self-love.
Your inner child may be too wounded or frightened for you to make a connection at this time. The concept may still seem foreign to you. If you like the words in this dialogue and you want to feel their depth and meaning, don’t give up. You may want to get some counseling to help you connect with your inner child in a meaningful way.
SKILLS FOR CONNECTING WITH THE INNER CHILD
Once the basic healing work is done with the inner child of the past, you need to learn to take care of yourself day to day by maintaining a connection with your inner child of the present.
Here are some suggestions for self-care and maintaining a connection with your inner child of the present:
Create space and time in your daily schedule to talk to and listen to your inner child. The key to this is imagery. Picture the child sitting beside you, in your lap, or jumping around the room. Just “checking in” with your child self will give you a reading on how you’re doing emotionally. You may find her hiding in a corner, or he might be scared and trembling. You may find as you offer support and understanding to the child, the image will change, giving you feedback on how you’re doing in your self-care. Explore and enjoy your self-discovery!
Take quiet alone time on a regular basis. Ideally 20 minutes to an hour a day, find a private comfortable place where you can relax, meditate and/or pray without interruption. You can incorporate journaling and inspirational reading into this time as well. Always allow at least 15-20 minutes of being still and silent. This opens your inner space to the child, and accesses your spiritual nature. It will also do wonders for the health of your body, mind and spirit. Make this quiet alone time a top priority, and you will bring more of your authentic self to your spouse, your children, your friends and your work.
When your body is showing signs of stress, that’s your inner child saying, “Slow down. You’re not Superman or Superwoman, and you’re neglecting me.” That’s when you practice your skills for relaxing, playing, creating and simply “goofing off.” If you ignore that voice, it will just get louder until you pay attention. An unhappy inner child may try to communicate through a headache, stomach problems, depression or even major illness. When we listen to the subtle messages, we don’t need the “loud” messages of illness and catastrophe.
Systematically and consistently create opportunities to express your feelings openly in a safe environment. Find a support group or a group of friends, and get together regularly for the purpose of keeping the door to your heart open. Twelve step recovery groups, therapy groups, men or women’s groups, book study groups and other forums often provide this venue.
Create opportunities for laughter and fun. If you don’t know how to play, then learn. Do a web search on “laughter and humor” and you will find lots of information on the health benefits of laughter and humor and how to get more into your life. There are conferences and workshops on play and laughter going on all over the country year around.
Be creative. This accesses the magical child in you, and further allows you to become a vessel for the expression of the Creator that lives within you. Take dance lessons, art lessons, or learn to play a musical instrument. Get on the floor or in the dirt with a child and let them show you the creative world they live in. Join them there and feel yourself come alive.
Temporarily or permanently end all relationships in which you are being hurt. Seek help, and only consider re-entering the relationship after both of you have had therapy and you have personally seen significant progress. Even then, proceed cautiously—you have a precious child to protect.
Only risk and commit to relationships in which you are loved. You deserve love, and without it you will not live fully and become the person you were born to be.
Embrace all that you are. Do not reject any aspect of your being. If you have problems, get help. You can have the life you want—and it’s up to you to create it. Finding the good in yourself and the world around you is one of the best ways to connect with and care for your inner child, and become your most amazing self. Become a Goodfinder today!
About the Author
William G. DeFoore is a counselor, executive coach, speaker and president of the Institute for Personal and Professional Development. He has 37 years of experience in helping people achieve healthy, happy relationships. Get free information, watch videos and purchase books, CDs and downloads at www.AngerManagementResource.com.
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